Methuen Councilor Jim McCarty will get pulled over by State Troopers for speeding on Route 213 and blame it on a conspiracy by former Methuen Mayor Sharon Pollard and Police Chief Joe Solomon.
Newly elected member of the Gr. Lawrence Technical School Committee, Stephani Infante will continue to appropriate white culture by whitening her face with makeup, dressing like a “gringo”, posing for professional photos, and then complaining when people make comments about her looks because…. sexism.
A scandalous photo will surface of Methuen Mayor Neil Perry crossing the street without using the crosswalks, prompting Councilor Steve Saba to demand his resignation immediately because, “this is not the kind of person we want running our city.”
State Rep. Christina Minicucci will introduce a bill at the State House to ban all sneakers saying it will solve global warming. Minicucci will get a unanimous vote of the house after explaining to her colleagues that wearing sandals is much better for the environment.
North Andover Selectman Phil (of the future) DeCologero will write and star in his own kids show called Mama Mia meets the Tella Tubbies. Phil will be seen dressed as Tinkie Winkie singing songs by the Swedish signing group ABBA.
Lawrence Mayor Dan Rivera will go bankrupt and become homeless, end up living under the Casey Bridge and get served free meals by the TMF kids, even though he won’t deserve it.
Diana DiZoglio will finally admit to the world that we eloped five years ago and change her name to Diana Duggan … as it should be.
John Saba, Methuen Councilor Steve Saba’s brother – will lose all his anger and hatred, stop attacking people personally on Facebook for disagreeing with his political views, adopt a puppy, and become a happier person.
Jessica Finocchiaro will put together her first exploratory committee for president of the United States.
Fired and disgraced Lawrence Police Officer Bill Green will join a jamboree jug band in Louisiana and live the rest of his life on the streets of New Orleans.
Methuen councilor Nick DiZoglio will run against State Rep. Linda Dean Campbell after Campbell went door to door with Nick last year helping him get elected.
Former Methuen Superintendent Judy Scannell will write a tell-all book naming all the corrupt politicians and everyone who knew and took advantage of the fact that she was never licensed to be a principal or superintendent over two decades.
Former Methuen City Councilor Joyce Campagnone will start her own non-profit called “Bean Suppers for Everyone”!
Voters in the valley will finally figure out that Barry Finegold is actually their State Senator when he shows up at a ribbon cutting in Lawrence and has to remind everyone who he is and what job he has held for the last two years.
Veterans Northeast Outreach (VNOC) will continue to lose grant money thanks to the hack job done by its new director Ed Mitchell.
VNOC founder John Ratka will continue to roll over in his grave as over the item above.
Former State Senator Barbara L’Italien will become a CNN contributor after claiming President Trump sexually harassed her even though the two of them have never been in the same room.
Methuen City Councilor DJ Beauregard will win a Sesame Street look-alike contest when Bert walks into the audition room and mistakes him for his long lost brother.
Former Lawrence State Rep. Juana Matias will be picked by Elizabeth Warren to be her vice presidential running mate.
Valley Patriot food columnist and Methuen City Councilor Joel Faretra will get offered his own show on the food network and get better ratings than Guy Fieri.
Methuen City Councilor Allie Saffie will be the deciding vote to stop Steve Saba’s family from opening up a pot shop in the Arlington neighborhood.
Methuen School Committee member Jana Zanni Pesce will become next year’s cover girl on Cosmo and put all this political foolishness behind her.
The Eagle~Tribune will commit an act of journalism when they accurately report on ONE story regarding politics in the valley.
State Senator Jamie Eldridge will be caught leaking military secrets to Hezbullah. Eldridge will yell Alahu Akbar as he is carted off by the FBI. ◊