All Gun Owners are Paranoid


By: Dani Langevin, Lesbian Columnist – February 2013

All gun owners are paranoid. They live in fear of some made up threat and the only way to quell it is to arm themselves. It’s their deadly pacifier. It is estimated that there are 52 million gun owners in America walking our streets ready to shoot anyone who pushes their fear button. That equals about 260 million guns. I can only guess how many more illegal guns are out there. Paranoia and guns are a dangerous mix.

You know what else is a dangerous mix? Priests and gay men, pedophiles every one of them. That’s why they choose to become priests or gay, so they can feed on our innocent boys. If they’re not openly gay, which is clearly an open threat to our sons, they become priests to hide it and have accessibility to them. Nuns and lesbians. Why, they’re just dried up dykes who couldn’t find a man. If they were the least bit attractive they would have all found themselves a nice man to take care of them instead of hiding behind the cross or pretending that being in a lesbian relationship with a bull dyke is just as good as being with a real man. It’s ridiculous, really.

While I’m on it, let’s talk about politicians. They’re all nothing but a bunch of elitist crooks. They tax the hell out of the middle man while feigning their hands are tied, vote themselves in 21% raises and line their pockets with the hard earned money of the working class all while we serve them drinks and clean their houses. Oh, sorry, their houses are cleaned by the illegal immigrants they hire under the table. Anyone who wants to be a politician is lying about wanting to help the average American.

Don’t get me started on athletes. They are in a whole class by themselves. Instead of being grateful for being blessed with talents most of us dream of possessing they piss them away by being whiney little brats when they don’t get their trillion dollar contracts or plead innocent over and over again when accused of doping until it’s just short of maddening. Then they come out with some lame apology admitting to their lies, deception and doping only because they want to be put back in the game. We have athletes like Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds and Andrea Agassi among others to prove my point.

One of my son’s high school classmates just got a tattoo. He had the letters A and C tattooed on one thigh and the letters A and B on the other thigh. The anagram stands for All Cops Are Bastards. My first gut reaction was, “What a moron,” but the more I thought about it, I thought, “Yea, they are all bastards.” They’re so paranoid with fear that they had to go into a vocation that allows them to carry a gun with them at all time. They think their badge gives them the right to do things like pull people over for speeding or running a stop sign, rough people up who resist arrest are shot at other people who have guns that threaten the safety of others.

Oh, I’m just getting warmed up. All teenagers are self-centered, egotistical, shallow and materialistic. It’s all, “I, me, my, I want, give me, I’m entitled to,” with teens. None of them think a thing about anyone but themselves. None of them have ever tried to make a difference or better the lives of others. That wall of gratitude in my classroom is full of nothing but made up things they think they should be grateful for because it was a homework assignment. All of the community work, fundraising, and volunteering they do is just to beef up their college resumes to get scholarships and things that will help them. If they do think of others, it’s, “What can they do for me.”

Teachers are no better. They teach because they couldn’t get a real job. I’m guilty of that. I decided way back when I was 18 that I wanted to be a teacher. What a cushy career this is. I get three full weeks off or better during a 180 day school year. I get two full months off during the summer and all I have to do is baby sit other people’s over 100 children for only six hours a day. Pretty smart. I know I’m smarter than everybody else. I have the degrees to show it, as well as, the over twenty-five master’s level classes I took after receiving my degrees, classes that have cost me about $8,000 dollars. That’s okay, I get wonderful 1% raises every so often. Now, that’s smart math. We all go into teaching for the money and prestige. Have you seen the praises sung about us in local papers? I bet you’re kicking yourself for not becoming one.

Sorry, I digressed. I went off on a tangent of blanket statements about certain groups of people. Speaking of blanket statements, here’s my last one.

Blanket statements are all made from being ignorant and uninformed. Before you place blame or point fingers do a little investigating to find the real truth. Meet the people you are about to spit on. Placing blame and finger pointing is cowardly and destructive. I know, I’ve done it. It hurts the giver and receiver. We are all we have, people. As the Reverend Jesse Jackson once said, “Never look down on someone unless it is to help them up.”